Monday, October 29, 2007

Military Rules from Colonel No


Howdy comrades!

As some of you may be aware, Colonel No is still officially an “enemy of the blind proletariat,” but I thought this information he sent to me about the rules of the United States Armed Forces was actually funny.  He should be very familiar with these rules, having worked his entire career in the Military Industrial Complex.  He also has some very spooky friends, if you get my drift.  Here is what he sent:

Military Rules from Colonel No


Marine Corps Rules:


1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.

3. Have a plan.

4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.

5. be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."

7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice.  Ammo is cheap.  Life is expensive.

8. Move away from your attacker.  Distance is your friend.  (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)

9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.

10. Flank your adversary when possible.  Protect yours.

11. Always cheat; always win.  The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics.  They will only remember who lived.

13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot...


Navy SEAL's Rules:


1. Look very cool in sunglasses.

2. Kill every living thing within view.

3. Adjust speedo.

4. Check hair in mirror.


US Army Rangers Rules:


1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.

2. Locate individuals requiring killing.

3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.

4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.

5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.


US Army Rules:


1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.

2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.

3. Curse bitterly.

4. Curse bitterly

5. Do not listen to 2nd Lieutenants. They can get you killed.

6. Curse bitterly.


US Air Force Rules:


1. Have a cocktail.

2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.

3. See what's on HBO.

4. Ask "What is a gunfight?"

5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.

6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.

7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.

8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.

9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.

10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.


US Navy Rules:


1. Go to Sea.

2. Drink Coffee.

3. Deploy Marines.


After Word:  I guess even one’s enemy can have a sense of humor.  Comrades, be careful when trick or treating out there.  Not all sinister entities wear costumes or appear frightening.


Chairman Mal

Power to the Peeps!