Chairman Mal Resigns! (Satire)
It is with a sad heart and considerable heartburn, that I must announce the resignation of our Dear Leader, Chairman Mal, as Secretary General of the Austin Chapter of the Blind Panther Party. The rumor that he was struck by an accessible Capital Metro bus while he attempted to cross Sixth Street to frequent a local bar called “The Chain Drive” is only partially true.
Chairman Mal has asked me to convey his profound regret for attempting to commandeer the Dillo trolley car on Friday, Oct. 13th. He has apologized to Cap Metro officials for threatening to shoot the driver and several obese Republicans traveling to the bar that night. Our Dear Leader does admit that he has a problem with alcohol and Suffers from a severe case of triskaidekaphobia.
Moreover, he is a gay man or a transgender male: It’s not entirely clear to us at this time.
He was not molested by any priest at any time while attending parochial schools in Mobile, Alabama. However, he was gang raped by a herd of wild horses while on a spirit Walk with a Native American tribe somewhere in New Mexico on or about Friday the 13th circa 1969.
He did, as his final act before checking into Rehab. Cast his vote for the next Governor of the State of Texas, Kinky freedman, and voted against all obese republicans on the ballot. This means he may have voted for one anorexic female Republican candidate in a gerrymandered district, only because he was confused by the talking voting machine which apparently announced his selections in Surround Sound Stereo, a result of an unexpected glitch with the electronic voting machine.
Respectfully submitted by, Drew L Spitz, Director of Very Public Affairs, ATC/BPP: POWER TO THE PEEPS!
*Note: chairman Mal will recuperate at the “Last Resort Center for Character Development. It is surrounded by verdant hills and grassy knolls in the Texas Hill Country. Last Resort specializes in cognitive and financial restructuring, Addiction Studies, Tm, BM, and ATM.
PS: Chairman Mal did not call the Interim director of Special Transit Services “a stupid little bitch,” as reported. His speech was slurred, however, and he was attempting to ask the Ralphster, “Will you be a cognitively challenged witch on Halloween this year.”